January 31, 2006

• Jack 24 Bauer

  
  

  1) If you wake up in the morning, it¡¦s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he¡¦d shoot Nina twice.
  3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  4) Jack Bauer¡¦s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  11) Jack Bauer doesn¡¦t miss. If he didn¡¦t hit you it¡¦s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  14) If Jack says ¡§I just want to talk to him/her¡¨ and that him/her is you¡K well amigo, you¡¦re f****d.
  15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn¡¦t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.
  17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy¡¦s name? Stephen Hawking.
  18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he¡¦s knocked out or temporarily killed.
  19) No man has ever used the phrase, ¡§Jack Bauer is a wuss¡¨ in a sentence and lived to tel-
  20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  22) As a child, Jack Bauer¡¦s first words were ¡§There¡¦s no time!¡¨
  23) Jack Bauer¡¦s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn¡¦t want to carry you.
  25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don¡¦t want to get 7 stars.
  26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells ¡§NOW!¡¨ at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
  28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he¡¦s done it twice.
  29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
  30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
  31) If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
  32) After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it.

  
  

  And then some more......

  
  

  
  
  1. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
     
  2. Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
     
  3. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
     
  4. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
     
  5. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
     
  6. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
     
  7. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
     
  8. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
     
  9. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
     
  10. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
      
  11. What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
      
  12. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
      
  13. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
      
  14. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
      
  15. Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
      
  16. Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
      
  17. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
      
  18. Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
      
  19. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
      
  20. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
      
  21. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
      
  22. When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
      
  23. Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
      
  24. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
      
  25. Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
      
  26. Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
      
  27. Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
      
  28. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

  • 4:42 pm
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